28.03.2012 22 °C
Humans choose to record pretty things. Why is it that we spend our thinking lives fascinated by the grotesque and ugly, but we only immortalise the best parts of the world in Art?
I think we do this because we want the generations that follow to think the best of us. It's like the way that the victor of a battle gets to write the History. His Story. My husband thinks it has more to do with our fallibility, the inherent desire to make ourselves out to be better than we really are. Either way, there is a common theme.
Why is this relevant? I guess I don't want people to think that I'm making this wee jaunt out to be better than it is. This is an awesome adventure, absolutely. But being a single mum over 50% of the time sucks. You should know that some days I don't leave the apartment - or talk to another adult. At all. I get up, look after my kids, watch a couple of episodes of 'How I met your mother', 'Game of Thrones' (or whatever the pirated T.V series I happen to be obsessed with that day is), and I die a little bit inside because I'm so ridiculously uninspiring. Some days, the highlight of my day is getting our 1989 Jeep Cherokee (nicknamed 'the lemon') to start first pop. Some days it's watching my sons work out how to vandalise their play-mat by ripping it apart and eating it. I'm proud of myself that I have a shower every day and get into clothes that aren't track-pants and a hoodie. It really is the little things.
I am, actually, ecstatic I convinced Hayden this 'coming to Lebanon' thing was a good idea. I don't think I could have coped being 'just' a mum at home (I should note that I'm NOT taking anything away from my friends at home who are doing the hard yards - or anyone else out there who isn't a little bit insane like me!)… but I know that I would have gone stir-crazy without the added stimulation of being somewhere 'interesting' that has a bit more of a challenge than sticking to the Sleep, Eat, Play schedule with two people who haven't learnt how to talk yet. I'm just not very good with that kind of predictability. Kind of like the way I think having twins rocks, rather than thinking it's difficult because you have to do everything twice.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my children. What I don't love is spending every minute of every day pandering to the whims of two miniature noise machines who haven't actually worked out what it is they really want half the time. My kids are little angels by the way, and I'm very lucky they are such good lads… but even good babies have days when they get out of the wrong side of the cot.
I think lots of women struggle with becoming a mother. Particularly those of my generation who have been led to believe that the world is their oyster and ALL things are possible. There is too much choice, and I really wasn't looking forward to having all that choice taken away from me when I had kids. I thought I'd end up mouldering away feeling resentment that my life was effectively over. It wasn't true. Life doesn't end, a whole new set of things just become more interesting. Personally, for the first time, I feel like my life really has purpose and I'm not just existing for entirely selfish reasons. There is something entirely satisfying about falling in to bed at 8pm and knowing that your day was a success, just because you got to spend time with your kids and teach them something new. Love (the unconditional kind you feel for your children) does, indeed, change everything. It did for me anyway.
What do I want to achieve by writing a blog? I DO actually want it to be 'pretty' if I'm honest. I have a terrible memory for the day to day things that happen in my life and I think its important that there is a record I can share with my boys when they ask about their lives in Lebanon when they are older - something that's a bit more interesting than "mummy didn't want to be bored at home"... but you have to remember that all of this is just my point of view. I write well because I've spent my life with my nose buried in a book and I love words (how boring!), but sometimes I get a bit carried away with my own self importance - and it probably shows.
So. I'd like to remind you that everyone has a different reality. They have to. Its part of being human... and I'm only sharing the interesting bits.
p.s. Today was a great day. I made it out out the apartment - and FINALLY got the copy of the report for our lost passports. I got the flat tyre on the car fixed, which was a wee adventure on its own. I also finalised my plans for ANZAC day at Gallipoli and paid for the trip. AND we got invited to a Lebanese wedding. Win.